Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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