I've blown a few things in my day
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
