Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
