dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
