Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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