the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
