Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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