My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
