I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
