There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
