I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
