Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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