dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
