Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
