he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
