He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
But theres a keg here and me gusta
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
