i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
