Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
