You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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