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I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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