I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
