Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
