Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors