I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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