Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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