she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.