im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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