If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
