her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
