I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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