We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
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I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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