Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"