I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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