Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
