I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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