Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
