I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
BRING THE BAGELS
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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