just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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