I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
