mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
