Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
