she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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