i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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