He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
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Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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