Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
