she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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