I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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