i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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