I'm laying in your front yard are you home
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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