The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
