spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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