i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
