I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
