There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW