I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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