i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
