your parents love me but you hate me
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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