They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
