I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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