so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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