Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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