So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
